This is not an exit

"There is an idea of a Patrick Bateman; some kind of abstraction. But there is no real me: only an entity, something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable... I simply am not there." -Patrick Bateman, American Psycho

I dropped a couple comments over at Stb's blog about on one of his posts about the poker blogger 'circles of hell.' I might have pissed him off a tad when I said that he appeared to be contradicting himself from previous posts and that I didn't really understand the point of the exercise. I think I "get it" a little more after reading some other people's comments, but I'll never truly get it. I have never made any effort to be a part of any group(s) that exists within the poker blogger social stratum. I very rarely take part in any of the blogger tournaments, I have never felt the need to join a bunch of bloggers in a weekend of drunken debauchery (not that I don't enjoy this), and I am only vaguely familiar with most of the goings on of the poker blogger world. This says very little about the average poker blogger, and much more about me as a person and the situation I am in.

In general, I don't feel as comfortable being part of a group as I am observing a social situation. I'm not sure when this developed or if I was born with it, but I remember these feelings when I was very young. I never had very many friends growing up, but always got along well with others and was generally happy. In school I was a bit of a clown, a smart ass, average student K-12, but still without more than a few good friends. I think I went to 2 parties in high school, might have had a few dates, but spent most of my time with a few close friends.

When I played hockey as a kid, I never identified myself as a hockey player, even though nearly every team I was on from age 10 to 18 was wildly successful-winning 3 state championships, 5 regions, and 2 of the largest youth-age international hockey tournaments in North America. When I graduated high school I turned away the opportunity to play college hockey and instead became an anonymous 'over-achieving college student' and punk rock music enthusiast. These things are still part of me today, I love the music, but I was never a true 'punk rocker.' I didn't care for the drama a small social scene brings, and I didn't believe in the idea of placing tattoos on my body as a way to let people know I enjoyed this particular band or subscribed to a certain lifestyle.

As a junior and senior in college I lived by myself in an apartment in a majestic early 20th century home. Except for the classes I pretty much shut myself off from college life. I spent hours reading books; Slim, Burroughs, Bukowski, DeLillo, Ellis, Kerouac, etc. I adopted a minimalist lifestyle with no decorations in my apartment, and only a thrift store couch and small TV in my living room. I ate very modest meals, exercised regularly, and started smoking cigarettes. All of which caused me to lose quite a bit of weight. I dyed my hair black. Thinking back, I probably got out of the life of solitude at the right time. I was likely headed for some sort of psychological meltdown.

I started playing poker about 5 years ago right around the poker boom when a friend and I both were watching the WSOP coverage, and we started playing in some bar league poker in Milwaukee. Not long after that I was playing poker online and was able to build up a decent bankroll playing low limits. I began blogging a matter of months later mostly as a journal of sorts, but also to get in on some of the blogger promotions pokerstars was running. I've never been able to achieve anything more than mediocre success playing poker, and the last few years I have played sparingly. Within a few years poker will most likely disappear from my life.

I look back at the last 15 years I wonder if I am missing something-an identity or a true self. Some psychologists stress the development of an identity in order to progress on to the next stage of life. I think that's pretty much bullshit. There is no true "self" and there is no choice and no self-control. People have a hard time swallowing this fact, after all human beings can think, and our thoughts lead to actions. This is often mistaken as free will, but it's illusory, we don't control our own thoughts.